Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Ice Cream Man

God Knows I Long for You in Some Intricate Plot I've Been Constructing in My Mind, Carefully, Over the Last Two Years. Two Years Ago Today When I Lost My Sanity Because I Couldn't Control My Emotions. No. No, No, No. It Wasn't My Fault. 

It Wasn't My Fault because Like the Ice Cream Van Which Drives By My House on an Unbearably Hot Day While I Play in between the Sand and Sticks of My Mother's Front Yard, You Make Me Jump Over the Dismantled Fence, Despite the Fact that My Mother Said Not to, Despite the Fact that She Said I'd Hurt Myself Jumping that Broken Wire. I Jump the Fence and Rip My Shorts; the Introduction before the Climax, When My Thigh is Scarred by the Sharp Edges.

Never Mind that because as Much as it Burns, As Much as I Long for a Plaster, I Numb it With Determination because the Ice Cream Man Plays Such an Attractive Tune Through the Speakers of the Brightly Coloured Truck and Because Ultimately, that Soft Serve will Satisfy My Taste Buds and Relieve Me of This Intrusive Heat. You Give Me Anxiety and Offer Me Curiosity without the Satisfaction of Opening My Gift.

I Ran and Jumped, Every Hurdle, With All My Might and Still, I Missed the Ice Cream Van.

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Tainted [an Excerpt]

....You Were the Steep Slope I Steadily Slid Down before The Weight of My Emotions Caught Up and I Gained Momentum .... All I Had to Do Was Dig My Heels Into the Ground and Free My Hands from Holding Onto The Weight Of Your Destruction. So Today I Did. I Did it Before I Crashed and Completely Shattered What Was Left of My Pride....

Thursday, 4 July 2013

Memoirs: Heart Matters [Infatuation]

It's Funny How My Memory Works, Remembering the Little Things Like When I First Met This Insane Character. How Intimidated I Was by Our First "Meeting". How My Jaw Was in Pain Because My Lips Kept Curving Up and Stretching The Sides of My Face. And How Awkward I Was After Every Encounter that Followed because before Me stood "understanding". Understanding Me because He Was Aggressive in his Understanding of Himself. I Didn't Even Understand Myself but here, it Literally Stood Before Me And at the Same Time, I Didn't UNDERSTAND him. What a MindFcuk. He Reassured Me that I Never Would [understand him] and I Believed Him then as I Do Now. I'll NEVER Meet Someone or Encounter SOMETHING as Odd and Insane. Demigod. It's Exhausting and It's Incredibly Intriguing...

Sunday, 30 June 2013

Seeking Solace

The Streets are You. The Air is You. The Languages Dripping Off Their Tongues are You....I'd Like to Forget, Like You. I'd Like to Run Away to a Foreign Place. Away From You....I Need to Get Away. And I'd Like to Find Myself in the Arms of a Stranger. A Handsome Man Whose Name I Don't Know, Whose Wife is Staring Down at Him Making Love to Me From a Frame on His Bedside. Just Staring At Us For Hours Until He Comes and I'm Satisfied at The Knowledge of Having Satisfied Him, If Not You....I'd Imagine Myself as One of the Women You'd Bed While My Fingerprints Lay Strewn Across Your Walls.... I'd Like to Walk Down Streets with Names I Can't Pronounce and Forget That God Ever Made Such Perfection When He Sketched You And Placed You Next To Me...Until You Left Me. I'd Like to Lay Between a Woman's Thighs And Taste Her Longing When She Digs Her Nails into Dirty Bed Sheets and Attempts to Muffle Her Cries Because She's Ashamed of Her Life and the Weakness Which is Him...I Want to Take Her Broken Because, I'd Imagine She Was Me and I Was You....

Thursday, 27 June 2013

[Untitled]

His Words Inadvertently Utter "Restriction'' and His Demeanour Screams Isolation and It's Killing Me, Softly...


Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Wavering Love

If Ever You've Met with Chaos, You Must Have Been Well Acquainted with Her.
A Charismatic, Spontaneous Agitation, I Fell into the Unknown. I Never Intended on Attempting the Climb Out, Inevitably Reaching the Disappointment of Knowledge on Where We're Headed.

I Can See The Signs Out of My Peripherals But I Make the Conscious Decision to Blind those Spots...
She Comes and Goes, Sort of Like a Dandelion; Delicate with No Sense of Direction. Starting with Sprouting Burdens Making Her Who She Is: Those Weeds. No One Ever Acknowledges the Tainted. I Clasp Her in the Palm of My Hand and Make a Silent Wish On Her but She Starts to Drift Until Eventually I Can't Reach Her Any More and She Disappears Entirely. All That Remains is The Stem, the Beginning, Our Beginning, And I Have It.

I Wished She'd See herself as the Flower I've Found Myself Adorned in, Rather than the Weeds She Sees Herself Caught in...

"Settle Down with Me,'' I Sang Under My Breath as She Started to Leave.

Tuesday, 25 June 2013

"I Think I Just Had an Epiphany" Pt. 1

I Refuse to Share Your Love with Others.
Your bed, I've Come to Find, is tainted by the Lust of Another.
You Owe Me Nothing 

AND Yet I Feel as Though You've Betrayed My Home; 
it's Written All over Your Bed Sheets...

I Deserve Better; I Choose to Walk Away from the Deceit....

Sunday, 16 June 2013

Loving When it Hurts [an Excerpt]

...Her Ribs are Clawing at Her Flesh with Cries of Suffocation; Begging to be Nurtured...
Brittle Bones and the Burden of a Heart Weighing More than Her Fragile Frame can Carry...

Her Cries for Attention Fall on Deaf Ears and so the Reciprocation of Neglect on Her Body Continues...

Her Lungs Filled with the Debris of Constant Destruction: She Keeps Inhaling as Though it's a Vital Part of Her Existence, 
No Filter and All She Exhales in Return is Dysfunction...
Dysfunction Projected in Their Impaired Vision because They Cannot begin to Fathom the Script She Has Re Written for Her Life....

Do You Understand What it Means to Live for Someone?


Monday, 3 June 2013

Thy Queen B (an Excerpt)

I AM Not a Queen because I was Proclaimed as Such by the Men Who Have Loved Me.
 No.
 I AM a Queen because I've Carried My Struggles and Borne Pain.
I've Led My Emotions as a Woman and Stood Firm and When I Fell,
 I Picked them UP and Projected them as Weapons of Infinite Strength.
With Every Scorn, Every Judgement, Threat and Scar, I Led This Army through Faith:
 Faith in a Higher Entity and Faith in Myself.
 Faith in Every Part of My Being, Starting with a Broken Soul and Still I Rose to Sit on My Throne. I AM A Queen because my Mother is a Queen AND HER Mother Was a Queen and When I Conceive, I Will BIRTH Kings and Queens.
No, I AM Not a Queen because the Men Who've Loved me Proclaimed me as Such;
These Very Men were Privileged to Attest to My Struggles and Elite Presence after They Fruitlessly Tried to Overthrow Me.
 They've Seen it and they Speak it...

Monday, 6 May 2013

A Degenerate Equation : Uncertainty

It Feeds Me, It is what attracts and sustains My Soul: I, too, have always known I want Some sort of Counter intuitive Love....It is Chaotic. And Passionate. It is Crazy; an Exhilarating kind of Madness .
Unstable, yet in sync with the knowledge of uncertainty.
There's Always a WANT, beyond the Need for this Acid Feeding Off My Insides...Love is Empty without Lust. I Do Believe. It's Meant to Be Insane. My mind doesn't live in the myth of perfection, I'll say it again. My Mind Does Not live in the myth of perfection, nor does my love. Hate me then SHOW me You Love me. Intense. All Consuming... Still, I'm confused so now I want you to devote your emotions to me, to lie with me, Not to me. "Don't mock my love for you", I tell you countless times. Kisses on my forehead, laying your head on my chest, you don't lie to me in this bed, this I know. You're honest with me, your body is telling the truth when it touches mine, when you hold me close. You grant me that request every time the sun sets. My eyes shut and my pain, the pain you offer me when the sun shines overhead, fades to the scent of your skin. Pain as an offering, because I have the option of disregarding it, to walk away and yet I choose it, I place it above the option of some degree of happiness with another, every time, because you see, your bed is my home. Your scent is my home and like an ingrained schedule, I put in the work. I know I have to endure long hours of suffering when the sky's blue, to reap my rewards: laying in your arms, in your bed, when the light abandons us.
When I open my eyes, it's to the sound of your voice, you're not a singer but your tone is subtle and comforting. I watch you get up out of this sanctuary, this bed, with your bare back to me, all I can do is smile, a sigh follows, because I know that now, with the light, comes your uncertainty and the dysfunction of our relations. It's a backward motion. A degenerate equation. I wish the drive to our separate destinations would be longer today, in fact, I wish this every day. I try not to think of it and I imagine we're travelling, like we said we wanted to, just the two of us, the infrastructures change everyday although we take the same route.... but there are five to ten minutes which I have with you in the light, during the drive. Of course they feel like seconds, exchanging what seems to be five to ten words and, according to my math, in my life it's not enough. However, I know that at this point you'll hand me that offering and I will accept it, I'll wear it until I see you again, showing up to your door with a dark sky....

Sunday, 7 April 2013

What Goes Around...

I came and I saw and I felt and then cried.
And I tasted tears that were yours and not mine. I heard your voice echo my name through foreign streets, carried by a restless wind when I shut my eyes. "Clench fists and inhale", I repeated to myself, "When I exhale, sounds of you will be mute". No use. No Fcuking use! I screamed and I covered my ears to drown out the noise. Still, no use. And then I gave in. I brought my fists up to my face and stared at my wrists, unsteady and shaking, they were weak. I was weak. I sighed as I unclenched my fists and then ran barefoot into the direction of your voice not giving thought to the blisters on the soles of my feet. In this unknown territory, your voice was my comfort even though it was YOU who led me here. I could NO longer hear you. With an exhale of defeat, I raised my hands in the air and rested them on top of my head. I'm Lost. Because you misled me and then left me...And now I wonder if, in your longing, your pulse races at the sounds of my moans. - [B.]

Saturday, 6 April 2013

Liquid Courage

Liquid Courage. 
I'd Like to Drown Myself, with All My Emotions in This Glass of Stupidity. 
It Gives Me Comfort so I Smile. 
I Smile Like an Idiot because I Know that at the Bottom of This Glass is Your Phone Number and Your Voice on the Other End. 
It's Bitter Now, the Taste of it All. 
It Was Sweet Before and I Liked it. I Liked it SO Much that I Befriended it.
I Was Honest. Stupid and Honest and Pathetic in that Truth.
I was Tip toeing to the Edge of the Sea because I Feared the Wave of Emotions that Came with Finding Myself Alone in it All. It Pushed Me, Knowing I Couldn't Swim...
And There You'd Be. Enabling Me.
Just Watching Me Pour it Up and Pour Out.
Not Understanding Why I Needed the Courage. Liquid Courage.
I'm Too Much of a Coward to Tell You What My Heart is Screaming when I'm Not in The Sea.
I Want You to Save Me from it. But the Truth is I've Already Drowned. - [B.]