Monday, 6 May 2013

A Degenerate Equation : Uncertainty

It Feeds Me, It is what attracts and sustains My Soul: I, too, have always known I want Some sort of Counter intuitive Love....It is Chaotic. And Passionate. It is Crazy; an Exhilarating kind of Madness .
Unstable, yet in sync with the knowledge of uncertainty.
There's Always a WANT, beyond the Need for this Acid Feeding Off My Insides...Love is Empty without Lust. I Do Believe. It's Meant to Be Insane. My mind doesn't live in the myth of perfection, I'll say it again. My Mind Does Not live in the myth of perfection, nor does my love. Hate me then SHOW me You Love me. Intense. All Consuming... Still, I'm confused so now I want you to devote your emotions to me, to lie with me, Not to me. "Don't mock my love for you", I tell you countless times. Kisses on my forehead, laying your head on my chest, you don't lie to me in this bed, this I know. You're honest with me, your body is telling the truth when it touches mine, when you hold me close. You grant me that request every time the sun sets. My eyes shut and my pain, the pain you offer me when the sun shines overhead, fades to the scent of your skin. Pain as an offering, because I have the option of disregarding it, to walk away and yet I choose it, I place it above the option of some degree of happiness with another, every time, because you see, your bed is my home. Your scent is my home and like an ingrained schedule, I put in the work. I know I have to endure long hours of suffering when the sky's blue, to reap my rewards: laying in your arms, in your bed, when the light abandons us.
When I open my eyes, it's to the sound of your voice, you're not a singer but your tone is subtle and comforting. I watch you get up out of this sanctuary, this bed, with your bare back to me, all I can do is smile, a sigh follows, because I know that now, with the light, comes your uncertainty and the dysfunction of our relations. It's a backward motion. A degenerate equation. I wish the drive to our separate destinations would be longer today, in fact, I wish this every day. I try not to think of it and I imagine we're travelling, like we said we wanted to, just the two of us, the infrastructures change everyday although we take the same route.... but there are five to ten minutes which I have with you in the light, during the drive. Of course they feel like seconds, exchanging what seems to be five to ten words and, according to my math, in my life it's not enough. However, I know that at this point you'll hand me that offering and I will accept it, I'll wear it until I see you again, showing up to your door with a dark sky....